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Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Well, I have fallen, fallen, fallen.  After two wonderful days of talking with friends and making new friends and "bragging" on myself...I just gorged on some stupid pastries that shouldn't have even been in my house.  Seriously. 

So, this slip brought me to the computer to google "fastest diet ever".  Just to see.  Maybe I should do a "cleanse" or some sort of diet that will kick my butt and make me appreciate broccoli and carrots.  Because, I feel like if I eat another damn carrot, I am going to scream!  I didn't really want those silly pastries, but it looked so much more appetizing than anything else in my refrigerator!  I had a wonderful lunch, a big salad with some turkey sausage and it was delicious!  And filling!  I was not hungry.  I just went crazy.  I can blame lots of things - Zoe not napping, the laundry not folding itself, the rain and thunder, the major thought process involved with planning out healthy meals while the family still gets to eat spaghetti.  Yeah, I've thought a lot about the why.  However, let's be honest...the answer is ME.  I made a choice.  We have been talking a lot in this house about choices and their consequences.  I alter my parenting tactics on a regular basis (weekly...sometimes daily), and I am trying the natural consequence tactic right now.  To an extent.  Don't ask how it's working.  Jus t to bring myself to the conclusion to own up to my own personal CHOICE of eating those pastries.  I will be the one to suffer the consequence of potential weight gain.  And now I'm even madder at myself!!!!

Okay, back to the google search.  When I searched I was led on another search and another...brought me around to a whole cluster/gaggle/group of blogs written by already skinny women who want to be skinnier.  They all deny any eating disorders, but they also write openly about lying to their spouses and saying they have eaten more that day than they truly have.  They write about wanting to see their bones...they post pictures of super skinny, scary models and write notes about how beautiful that is.  WHAT?!?!?  Okay.  I have joked often about wanting, just once!, for someone to refer to me as skinny.  Just last night I was talking with a friend about how much I would love for a close friend/relative to tell me they thought I should put on a few pounds.  I realize I am not at that place right now, but I do think it would be fun - for my birthday in October, maybe? - to hear those words.  Just once!  Know what I would do immediately?  Eat an entire pizza, drink a couple pitchers of beer, and take a NAP!  I would relish the fact that someone was concerned with my thinness, and then I would promptly correct it.  At least, I think I would.

I cannot believe there is an actual 5'5" woman out there who thinks she is fat at 134 pounds!  She literally describes herself as "furious" about her weight.  Being about 5'8"-5'9", I have seen ranges for a healthy weight usually topping out at about 170.  I would LOVE to be there!  I would even, likely, call that low enough for some wiggle room.  However, my 190's are done.  I'm over them.  I want to see the 180's SO SO SO bad.

I'm not sure what my point of this posting was, but I just had to write.  I just have to assure everyone I am in no way wanting my rib bones to show.  I have zero interest in looking "breakable".  I just want to be thin and fit into cute clothes and feel comfortable.  I enjoy eating healthy, but I want to be at a place where I can eat a pastry or two and not get so ridiculously angry with myself that I continue on to eat 5 or 6!!  Where is that healthy mindset? 

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